Those of us with mental illness know that the night is the worst. Last night was a bad night.
The night is when the thoughts creep in. It’s when we overthink. It’s when we’re left with the weight of everything that’s happened today, yesterday, five months ago, that one conversation several years ago. There’s either no distractions or the distractions stop working or both. For me, dealing with the night is one of the worst parts of having mental illnesses.
Not every night is bad for me. It makes it that much harder when a bad night slips in. Last night was a bad night. I’ve been somewhat stressed lately, which means that my anxiety and OCD have increased as well. I tell myself that I should have seen it coming, but mental illness is unpredictable. I couldn’t have anticipated having a bad mental health night. These things happen.
Last night, I spent the last hour and a half before I fell asleep trying to combat my mind. I couldn’t stop the intrusive thoughts from bubbling up. I couldn’t fight the anxiety they brought along with them. The baseline worry I experience grew worse, fed off self-doubt, and then grew into a great amount of fear. Consequently, I felt my mood dip significantly. When phrases like you’re a burden and what’s the point? slithered in, I text a friend with OCD. When the train of overthought grew worse, I opened the Werdsmith app and tried writing to take my mind off of the darker thoughts. It was just one of those nights.
Those nights are even more troubling when they blend over into the morning. This morning, I feel a little better. Sometimes I wonder if it would help to just let the thoughts be noisy, and spend a day letting them stop me. I think I’ll just slow down today and hope that maybe it will slow down the thoughts so tonight won’t be as bad.